Saturday, January 22, 2005

Delayed Gratification

I don't think I ever learned delayed gratification. I was beating myself up about that today, but a friend of mine said that her therapist thinks that you either have to find something gratifying in the moment itself or just give up what you are doing. I hadn't quite thought about it that way. I'm reluctant to really dig into work on my dissertation because it seems like it's just going to be such a long, long period of hell (of course, the hell of just putting it off is worse, I'm sure). But I suppose I'm going to have find some kind of joy in writing the damn thing. I enjoy thinking about what I'm going to write about. It's just the actual sitting down to do it in a formal way. It's so tied up in my head to hatred of graduate school, memories of suffering through writing papers, stress of having to write in a particular academic way. I need to reinvent my relationship with writing. I need to make this a new project, something different than everything that came before that I hated so much.

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