Saturday, November 12, 2005

Paranoia

OK...obviously my self-confidence is still a bit fragile. There's this new Prof. at the university who works on a lot that completely overlaps with what I do--he's perfect for my committee! I asked him about 6 months ago to be on my committee, and he said yes. Then I didn't get in touch with him until September, when I sent him one of my chapters. He said he was excited to read it just from the title. But then I never heard back from him. No big deal, OK.

BUT: Right before she defended, my friend who just finished had a committee member drop out on her (she said she no longer had anything to say about her work because it had drifted from what they had in common), and I recommended the new professor. He had seemed completely sweet and unassuming when I met him, really excited about ideas and not competitive about them, and I told her that. Her committee head (same as mine) also recommended him (she had recommended him to me), so she asked and he said yes. She sent him her 500 page dissertation and he read it right away aned was really positive about it. The day after her defense I went to a lecture he gave, and he was so completely enamored of her work he mentioned it a couple of times during his talk. I went up to talk to him afterwards and re-introduce myself. He didn't remember me or the chapter I had sent, and told me to resend them. He couldn't take his eyes off my friend though, and just told her again and again how wonderful her work was, how very precise she was with her terms, which was uncommon in our field (the humanities--he does computer and science stuff), and as he said that he looked at me. OK, it means nothing, but the paranoid person in me is going uh-oh. But hey, he didn't remember my chapter. Actually, he hadn't even read it. TOTAL paranoia...obviously the comment is not directed at me. But I did feel bad that he hadn't taken the time to read the chapter, especially in contrast to the enthusiasm he showed toward my friend's work.

I put it out of my mind, and re-sent him my chapter, and asked if he was available on such and such dates for my defense. He answered saying thanks for resending the chapter, that he apologized but he wasn't going to have time to read it for a while, and that he wasn't available on the dates I gave him...in fact, he wouldn't be back until January! AAAAAAUUGGH!! So it's looking like I have to find a new committee member on top of all my other stresses. But that little paranoid voice is also going "hmm...why am I so completely uninteresting to him?" My work would seem to be right up his alley. Although it has a different focus than my friend's, in some ways it's MORE up his alley than her work. I deal directly with some of the same topics. I would chalk this all up to my last-minuteness...I can't expect much when I'm doing things in such a rushed manner. But since he was completely willing and thrilled to be on my friend's committee las minute, I'm feeling pretty down about the whole thing.

And he was so perfect for the committee! If only he'd at least read my stuff...maybe he'd like it.... I was hoping he'd get excited about the topics in it (if not the ideas themselves) and we'd have tons of cool stuff to discuss.

I'm probably just being ultra-paranoid, but then I think I felt these little indications the last few interactions we've had...I'm ultra-sensitive to these sorts of things, and am hardly ever wrong in the end. I already have one member of my committee who doesn't really like me...I'm keeping him on because I know he's going to be happy to see me go, so he's anxious for me to graduate! Heh heh.... But I was excited about this one professor. *sigh*

Hopefully something will work out and this will all just be my paranoia and lack of self-confidence.

13 Comments:

Blogger Unsane said...

professors are unpredictable...things.

3:17 AM  
Blogger Pseudosanity said...

We all tend to be a bit paranoid, or atleast a bit jumpy, when it comes to matters like this. Keeping an even mind is more important than you would think. Good Luck!

2:30 PM  
Blogger Porkorama said...

So this is how it all turned out:

I think the Professor was just very busy and stressed out himself. He did not respond to a single email (which perhaps because he is a nice guy just meant he was dealing by avoidance), UNTIL I suggested a date next semester, and then he answered yes. So, the downside is I have to pay another semester of fees, the upside is I have two more weeks to write my dissertation than I thought I had, plus a bit of time for revisions, and I was just being paranoid. *Phew*

4:53 PM  
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was ur friend hotter than you?

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